Where have I been?

I knew it had been quite awhile since I last posted anything on my blog, but crikey...since May? What have I been doing? Great question.

May 29th was a little over a month since I had started my new job at Paramount Pictures. As with any job, the first three months were AMAZING. Then the honeymoon ends, it starts getting real. That's totally fine with me. No job, no relationship, no movie, no music, no NOTHING is perfect. It's all about give and take.

It's been a roller coaster of give and take over the past 9 months. I still absolutely love the work I do. I am befuddled by the politics at this establishment. I am tired of the judgement, the assumption, the lack of communication, the insecurities. Sigh

Other than that, this past 9 months has been one of the most challenging financial times of my life. I am finally getting back into a position of being able to "live" again. It's been painful.

Now for some good stuff...Still loving this last season of Dexter, don't miss an episode of Glee, Tara's back, NCIS and NCIS:LA ... they keep me safe every Tuesday, and Project Runway rules my Thursday. I am LOVING television right now.

Staying positive and hoping this year proves to be one of goodness.

Hoping to post monthly from here on out.

Peace

May 29,1989

Beth had a dream, the night before.  She dreamt of a young red haired girl that died.  She was so moved and scared by this dream, that she was even afraid of driving that night.  I told her with great confidence that I would drive and not to worry.  So, Tamara, Beth and myself all got ready over at Beth's that night.  Tamara insisted on driving too.  So, we took two cars and went to the club.  

We got there, and the night started out slow.  Tamara and Beth ended up dancing and having a good time.  I pretty much got bored.  I was ready to go home, but I promised Beth I would drive her home, so I was prepared to wait it out.  After a couple of hours, Beth felt a certain comfort in riding home with Tamara.  She felt she was being silly.  Although, I didn't agree, she convinced me it was ok for me to go home.  I offered over and over to come back and take her home, no matter what time it was.  She declined.  So, she walked me out and what was most outstanding to me, was we NEVER said good bye to each other, ALWAYS "See you later" because, yes, because of the Bon Jovi song, Never Say Goodbye.  We had long talks about how final goodbye sounded.  Well, that night, she looked me straight in the eye and said "Good bye".  I said the same.  I turned around, and walked to my car.  I couldn't help but feel like something was wrong.  I went home, and went to bed.

2:00 am  BOING!!  I wake up out of a deep sleep and sit up in a fear.  IMMEDIATELY after I sat up, the phone rings.  It's my friend Tony.  "Oh my God. Oh my God. You're ok, it's not you.  Oh my God, thank you".  I said "Tony, what happened".  Tony tells me "There was an accident.  I thought it was you.  Oh my God.  Christine, I think someone might not have made it".  I said:

"Tony, I need you to come and get me.  It's Beth, I know it"

Tony came to pick me up, and took me to the accident site.  There was the fire department cutting my friend Tamara out of the car, as she was pinned in. Beth, died instantly.  I happened to arrive just in time to watch them taking the zipped body bag to car to take her to the morgue.  One of the other things that was happening at this point is Beth's family was showing up.  Her mother and her sister, Amy, who later ended up being one of my very best friends.  Amy continued to "console me", letting me know "She would be ok", or "it would be ok" but the way she said it, it seemed as if she didn't know Beth had died.  This was even more upsetting.  My GOD!  This poor sweet girl just lost her older sister.  

I ended up heading to the hospital to be there for Beth's family and to figure out what was happening to Tamara.  She was Life Flighted in.  When I got there, I saw Amy and she was a mess.  I think it hit her by that point, that Beth was gone.

I don't remember much about the rest of the night.  It was all a blur after that. 

This accident happened 20 years ago today and to date I can continue to tell you ever step of the evening.  This is one of the most impacting events in my life.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HER HOME.  She might be with us today if I had.  I guess it was "her time".

I miss Beth so much, and think about her so often.  So, on this ugly and unfortunate anniversary, I raise my glass and toast a wonderful, beautiful, smart, talented and completely misunderstood beauty who left us way too soon.  I love you, Beth and I miss you dearly.

Never say goodbye, never say goodbye 
You and me and my old friends 
Hoping it would never end 
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye 
Holdin' on - we got to try 
Holdin' on to never say goodbye 
~ Jon Bon Jovi

Letting Go

Sometimes, you get so wrapped up in the day to day, that you believe in your mind that THIS is your comfort zone. Until, it takes a toll on you. At which point, you must be strong enough to say no and step outside of this zone. Once you do so, you MUST let go of that idea that you have left your comfort zone. Comfort in an illusion that you create. Create a NEW comfort zone leaving behind the negative or ugly that caused the previous zone to become, well..uncomfortable. But take with you the good.



Letting go can be a hard thing to do, but it is not impossible. The only thing to fear, is fear itself. Open your eyes, mind, spirit and soul to the wonders and opportunities that are still out there waiting for you to discover them.



I have been having...not a hard time, but a slower than expected time....letting go of the past 6 years of my life. I learned A LOT from two major sources during that time frame. The time is now to click on refresh and start again. It IS actually ok to refresh over and over and over.



We make choices during our lives...sometimes, the decisions we make end up being..eh, not so much wrong as not how we expected that choice to turn out. So, what you do is not wallow in despair of the decision, but turn around to your chalkboard and "chalk it up to experience" and move on.



Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. It means moving on.

A Great Year

As the year began, I truly believed that it was to be one of the worst ever. I was basing everything on my experiences at work. Despite the fact that I was mentally breaking down, had finally pushed myself too far and could not function....at all, everything turned around with one phone call. This was the call to my new life.

Yes, it starts with a new job but more importantly, a door opening to a new life. After being hired for a new future, I began experiencing happiness in so many different ways. Some superficial, some emotional meaningful.

Thank you to all who have contributed to my happiness.

A New Journey

There are points in a persons life that decisions have to be made. That point has come in my life, again. I am about to embark on a new journey in my professional life. Effective April 13, 2009 I begin my journey as Technical Analyst in the IT department at Paramount Pictures. I am truly excited as my team involves two gentlemen who I am already friends with, therefore, no awkward acclamation period in that area.

As with any change, there's always a payoff. I am sad to leave the friends I've made at my former employer, but this is not about them. It is about me. Work has not been the same for the past year or so and got increasingly worse over the past 4 months or so.

So off it is, to change and improvement...for me. To the lot!!!!

Passion, Honesty and "Emotional"

For a very long time, I have been referred to and labeled as "Emotional". I always looked at this as such a bad thing and only recently have I recognized that it ain't that bad. The reason being, is because I feel. I am recognizably high and very low. What the HELL is so wrong with that. Nothing, I say. At least when you deal with me, you can have an understanding of what is going on. As opposed to those who mask their feelings to play the game...be it the game of life, the professional (and by professional I mean politics at work) game, the love game, whatever the case may be. It has always been that someone is trying to "tame" me, quiet me, or lead me in the direction of "controling my emotions".

I am very passionate and honest. The two combined are not what the mass expect on a daily basis. I guess this is part of what makes me unique. Ask for my opinion, and you will get it. It may not always be what you WANT to hear. And isn't that really all most people CAN hear? Typically, very selective hearing.

Most people are looking out for themselves. It's not very often that you have a person in your life who believes in looking out for you, because if you do that, it will be paid back in so many larger ways and far more rewarding.

Never forget, you are the only one that is with you 24/7. Can you live with yourself with every action you take and word that you speak?

For those of you reading, I love you for who you are and how you have touched my life.

I Now Have A Cardiologist

It's true. I now have a cardiologist I will be seeing again in a couple of months. Might I add, that he is attractive and really talked TO ME while I was there today. Two echocardiograms, an EKG, etc. I am actually fine. My heart...it's there and it's beating...properly.


Just never really thought I'd be saying...I have to see my cardiologist....


at 44

A New Year

Happy New Year! What does that mean, really? Are we happy it's a new year because the last one was so bad? Are we happy that we have survived life yet another year? I guess, it has it's own special meaning to everyone. A time to reflect on what you've accomplished or not, what you've survived, what you might have done different and perhaps a mental cleansing of the plate in order to start fresh.

People certainly don't forget or let you forget what has happened in the past, but it does seem like a time to start how you deal with people, see things, or set priorities. Maybe change that.

I know I have a few things I will be changing.

Best wishes to everyone and stay true to yourself.

Happy Holidays

It's been awhile since I've posted. You know how it gets, work, moving, holidays. We had a very nice holiday season this year. Outside of food poisoning the night before Thanksgiving, and spending the next day in bed, all was pretty good. Jason cooked fried turkey dinner and Scott came over to join us. It was all very nice. Jason has, I think, like 4 weeks off from school or something. He's been playing Xbox and World of Warcraft on the computer. He gets bored, but is happy not to go to school. His friend Chris spent a couple of nights and brought his pup. Jason, Peanut, Chris and Boo Boo all had a great time together.

Christmas was uneventful, but very nice. As money was not tight, but non existent this year, it was a very small present opening. lol Jason was in my room at 4:30 am like an 8 year old. We started our present opening at 5:15 and was completed by 5:40. There were naps later.

We then went to dinner with Scott and had a nice time laughing and enjoying our friendship.

Part time job is essentially no longer, so my weekends are now for me. I don't really know what to do. I'm contemplating throwing myself into a workout program. Who knows.

I hope all who read this had a fantastic holiday season. I hope everyone remains healthy, and happy with their chosen life paths and know that each person remains very special to me in their own way.

Love and Peace to all

Sucks Gettin Old

Soooooo, the past month has been basically misery for me. My ankles have been swollen daily since the bull incident. Come to find out it's actually my thyroid. Well, that can never be all, right? So now I've got fluid on my lungs. I struggle to breathe and doc says...hmmmm..I'd like to know why. I go for an echocardiogram next week to take a peek at me heart. See if it's pumpin right, etc. I fully believe it's all related to my thyroid.

What is a damn thyroid and why is it giving me so many problems?


Stupid thyroid. The name is even dumb. lol

No on 8

ELIMINATE RIGHTS.....

It doesn't matter what follows those two words. The Constitution includes a Bill of Rights. It doesn't say, Bill of Rights to everyone except those who are gay.

Open your mind. You probably have a gay person in your family. You gonna stop loving them and fighting for THEIR rights?

Obama 2008

I am so happy that I am alive to experience the first black president in America. His speech given exactly 45 years after Martin Luther King Jr's historical speech moved me to tears while driving. This win gives me hope that racial discrimination COULD be on a path to a thing of the past.

Here's to Hope

Gay Marriage

I am so happy! My friend who has been with his partner over 15 years is getting married tomorrow in Palm Springs. What a joyous occasion. Congrats to the happy couple!

Blame The Bull

On Saturday, October 4, a group of folks from work gathered at the Saddle Ranch Chop House at Universal Studios. We gathered to have a drink or two prior to going into the Halloween Haunt in the park. Big fun!!! Soooooooooooo, the waitress comes around offering a special on a tee shirt: buy the shirt for cheap and get a free shot as well as a free ride on the mechanical bull. One of my staff thought it would be fun to get ME on the bull. Suuuuuuuuuuure I said. I'm game. Never done this before, but why not! So, a few shots later I get on the bull. Yep, it was quite a site. Most ridiculous thing I've done. It went nose down first...very slooooooowly, then up...very sloooooooooowly, down again and up again (and in my mind I'm thinkin...whew..I can handle this) and wham...it jolts to the left and I casually slid right off. lol...no big deal. Funny, funny. We move on, go into the park and walk around for the next couple o' hours. Good Times

Next day, I wake up and my ankles are swollen beyond belief. Well, this swelling never went down. Ended up with so much fluid on my feet and ankles I had to go to doc. Long story short...me hurt myself and I'm still fighting the swelling some two and a half weeks later.

Moral of the story....I blame the bull for the Fred Flintstone fluid filled feet.

Sad face

Monday, Monday

Wow...was sick yesterday and slept all day. I simply could not sleep any more. Got up at 4:00 a.m., walked the dog, cleaned up a bit, showered, got gas, washed the car and grabbed a frappucino. Arrived at work at 6:45a.m.

I began moving into a new "office". It's a big cubicle. lol The person who used to sit in this office is soooooooo bitter that he had to move. Old school guy, hates women in the workplace (except to do his stenograph) and gave me a bit of a hard time (in his own way) when he came up to get his chair. Sad that people have to be that way.

Take a look at this precious puppy. Makes all the ick go away.

Long day....Good Night.

Voting

I have had an opportunity to have several conversations regarding this years election. Voting is an American right. No one should be told who to vote for or questioned on why they choose to vote one way or another. Or..whether they CHOOSE not to vote at all. It is my suggestion that everyone in America take the time to learn FOR THEMSELVES what each party's representative stands for, as well as their running mate for the VP position.

I know most everyone reading this thinks they know how I will vote. Honestly, that is personal and I'm not sharing how I will handle this election.

Exercise your options. And do what is right for YOU

Sunday Blues

OMG I am so sick. First it was a bit of a cold, and over night it turned into some stomach flu. Can't seem to get out of bed and when I do, it takes for-ever to just get into the kitchen.

wah wah wah

9 to 5

So, it's been a very busy week and intensely stressful at work. I went to see the musical 9 to 5 Thursday night with my friend from work, Mike Reese. The expectation we both had for this show was to be amusing and entertaining. It was so much more! What a fantastic show and what a great time. Everyone around us (including the two of us) were smiling ear to ear the ENTIRE time. Allison Janney played the Lily Tomlin role. But the Roz character, totally stole the show.

New to Blogging

Today, my very good friend who just moved to Sydney, Australia hipped me to this sight. I've never blogged before, but find it very cool and therapeutic. My goal is to visit the blog sight at least three times per week. We'll see