Where have I been?

I knew it had been quite awhile since I last posted anything on my blog, but crikey...since May? What have I been doing? Great question.

May 29th was a little over a month since I had started my new job at Paramount Pictures. As with any job, the first three months were AMAZING. Then the honeymoon ends, it starts getting real. That's totally fine with me. No job, no relationship, no movie, no music, no NOTHING is perfect. It's all about give and take.

It's been a roller coaster of give and take over the past 9 months. I still absolutely love the work I do. I am befuddled by the politics at this establishment. I am tired of the judgement, the assumption, the lack of communication, the insecurities. Sigh

Other than that, this past 9 months has been one of the most challenging financial times of my life. I am finally getting back into a position of being able to "live" again. It's been painful.

Now for some good stuff...Still loving this last season of Dexter, don't miss an episode of Glee, Tara's back, NCIS and NCIS:LA ... they keep me safe every Tuesday, and Project Runway rules my Thursday. I am LOVING television right now.

Staying positive and hoping this year proves to be one of goodness.

Hoping to post monthly from here on out.

Peace

May 29,1989

Beth had a dream, the night before.  She dreamt of a young red haired girl that died.  She was so moved and scared by this dream, that she was even afraid of driving that night.  I told her with great confidence that I would drive and not to worry.  So, Tamara, Beth and myself all got ready over at Beth's that night.  Tamara insisted on driving too.  So, we took two cars and went to the club.  

We got there, and the night started out slow.  Tamara and Beth ended up dancing and having a good time.  I pretty much got bored.  I was ready to go home, but I promised Beth I would drive her home, so I was prepared to wait it out.  After a couple of hours, Beth felt a certain comfort in riding home with Tamara.  She felt she was being silly.  Although, I didn't agree, she convinced me it was ok for me to go home.  I offered over and over to come back and take her home, no matter what time it was.  She declined.  So, she walked me out and what was most outstanding to me, was we NEVER said good bye to each other, ALWAYS "See you later" because, yes, because of the Bon Jovi song, Never Say Goodbye.  We had long talks about how final goodbye sounded.  Well, that night, she looked me straight in the eye and said "Good bye".  I said the same.  I turned around, and walked to my car.  I couldn't help but feel like something was wrong.  I went home, and went to bed.

2:00 am  BOING!!  I wake up out of a deep sleep and sit up in a fear.  IMMEDIATELY after I sat up, the phone rings.  It's my friend Tony.  "Oh my God. Oh my God. You're ok, it's not you.  Oh my God, thank you".  I said "Tony, what happened".  Tony tells me "There was an accident.  I thought it was you.  Oh my God.  Christine, I think someone might not have made it".  I said:

"Tony, I need you to come and get me.  It's Beth, I know it"

Tony came to pick me up, and took me to the accident site.  There was the fire department cutting my friend Tamara out of the car, as she was pinned in. Beth, died instantly.  I happened to arrive just in time to watch them taking the zipped body bag to car to take her to the morgue.  One of the other things that was happening at this point is Beth's family was showing up.  Her mother and her sister, Amy, who later ended up being one of my very best friends.  Amy continued to "console me", letting me know "She would be ok", or "it would be ok" but the way she said it, it seemed as if she didn't know Beth had died.  This was even more upsetting.  My GOD!  This poor sweet girl just lost her older sister.  

I ended up heading to the hospital to be there for Beth's family and to figure out what was happening to Tamara.  She was Life Flighted in.  When I got there, I saw Amy and she was a mess.  I think it hit her by that point, that Beth was gone.

I don't remember much about the rest of the night.  It was all a blur after that. 

This accident happened 20 years ago today and to date I can continue to tell you ever step of the evening.  This is one of the most impacting events in my life.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HER HOME.  She might be with us today if I had.  I guess it was "her time".

I miss Beth so much, and think about her so often.  So, on this ugly and unfortunate anniversary, I raise my glass and toast a wonderful, beautiful, smart, talented and completely misunderstood beauty who left us way too soon.  I love you, Beth and I miss you dearly.

Never say goodbye, never say goodbye 
You and me and my old friends 
Hoping it would never end 
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye 
Holdin' on - we got to try 
Holdin' on to never say goodbye 
~ Jon Bon Jovi

Letting Go

Sometimes, you get so wrapped up in the day to day, that you believe in your mind that THIS is your comfort zone. Until, it takes a toll on you. At which point, you must be strong enough to say no and step outside of this zone. Once you do so, you MUST let go of that idea that you have left your comfort zone. Comfort in an illusion that you create. Create a NEW comfort zone leaving behind the negative or ugly that caused the previous zone to become, well..uncomfortable. But take with you the good.



Letting go can be a hard thing to do, but it is not impossible. The only thing to fear, is fear itself. Open your eyes, mind, spirit and soul to the wonders and opportunities that are still out there waiting for you to discover them.



I have been having...not a hard time, but a slower than expected time....letting go of the past 6 years of my life. I learned A LOT from two major sources during that time frame. The time is now to click on refresh and start again. It IS actually ok to refresh over and over and over.



We make choices during our lives...sometimes, the decisions we make end up being..eh, not so much wrong as not how we expected that choice to turn out. So, what you do is not wallow in despair of the decision, but turn around to your chalkboard and "chalk it up to experience" and move on.



Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. It means moving on.

A Great Year

As the year began, I truly believed that it was to be one of the worst ever. I was basing everything on my experiences at work. Despite the fact that I was mentally breaking down, had finally pushed myself too far and could not function....at all, everything turned around with one phone call. This was the call to my new life.

Yes, it starts with a new job but more importantly, a door opening to a new life. After being hired for a new future, I began experiencing happiness in so many different ways. Some superficial, some emotional meaningful.

Thank you to all who have contributed to my happiness.

A New Journey

There are points in a persons life that decisions have to be made. That point has come in my life, again. I am about to embark on a new journey in my professional life. Effective April 13, 2009 I begin my journey as Technical Analyst in the IT department at Paramount Pictures. I am truly excited as my team involves two gentlemen who I am already friends with, therefore, no awkward acclamation period in that area.

As with any change, there's always a payoff. I am sad to leave the friends I've made at my former employer, but this is not about them. It is about me. Work has not been the same for the past year or so and got increasingly worse over the past 4 months or so.

So off it is, to change and improvement...for me. To the lot!!!!

Passion, Honesty and "Emotional"

For a very long time, I have been referred to and labeled as "Emotional". I always looked at this as such a bad thing and only recently have I recognized that it ain't that bad. The reason being, is because I feel. I am recognizably high and very low. What the HELL is so wrong with that. Nothing, I say. At least when you deal with me, you can have an understanding of what is going on. As opposed to those who mask their feelings to play the game...be it the game of life, the professional (and by professional I mean politics at work) game, the love game, whatever the case may be. It has always been that someone is trying to "tame" me, quiet me, or lead me in the direction of "controling my emotions".

I am very passionate and honest. The two combined are not what the mass expect on a daily basis. I guess this is part of what makes me unique. Ask for my opinion, and you will get it. It may not always be what you WANT to hear. And isn't that really all most people CAN hear? Typically, very selective hearing.

Most people are looking out for themselves. It's not very often that you have a person in your life who believes in looking out for you, because if you do that, it will be paid back in so many larger ways and far more rewarding.

Never forget, you are the only one that is with you 24/7. Can you live with yourself with every action you take and word that you speak?

For those of you reading, I love you for who you are and how you have touched my life.

I Now Have A Cardiologist

It's true. I now have a cardiologist I will be seeing again in a couple of months. Might I add, that he is attractive and really talked TO ME while I was there today. Two echocardiograms, an EKG, etc. I am actually fine. My heart...it's there and it's beating...properly.


Just never really thought I'd be saying...I have to see my cardiologist....


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